Get traught or get dead
by ArtemisZatanna
Summary: Artemis loves her new team like family but what will they think of her when they know about her past? Is she the person from her past anymore or someone she wants to be. Traugh and a little bit of Spitfire. M rated just to be safe. Enjoy and Im terrible at summaries
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I close the door trying to contain my excitement. I was going to have a team and be a hero! The thought of me being a hero almost made me laugh. I was no hero but I was going to be. I had to be.I couldn't go back to that life. The one my dad wanted me to come back to. I fall back onto my bed refusing to think about my past. I should be celebrating. My dreams were coming true. A fresh start. I let myself smile at the thought of what's to come but then doubt soon follows.

I shake my head and get up and to take off my bathrobe and uniform underneath. I looks at my reflection in the long mirror hanging on the back of the door. I'm only wearing a bra and underwear and I feel exposed even though I'm alone. I look down at my body and sees the many scars that cover me from head to toe. You can barely look anywhere without seeing scars. My skin is sixty percent scar tissue. I look away ashamed of the memories that come with each scar and takes out my ponytail letting the long hair cover my body. I turn back to the closet and changes into a black tank top and green boxer shorts.

I lay in bed on my side and face the poster across the room. It's Alice and the Cheshire cat. Me and Jade always loved the stories of Wonderland. But now those memories leave a bitter after taste in my mouth. Memories that used to comfort me and help me fall asleep at night, without too much guilt. But now Jade is gone. She left me alone. I close my eyes and tumble down the rabbit hole of dreams. But I don't go to wonderland, not this time. My mind has other ideas and carries me down the black pit also known as memory lane.

The first place my cruel mind takes me too is five years ago. The night of the accident. The night my mom got caught and the last time she'd ever be able to walk again. I feel the dread of that night all over again. Seeing my mom injured. Terrified of what the police will do with her. Being forced to not even say goodbye and just run with Jade and Dad before they can catch any more of us and take us away from each other.

My ten-year-old self throws her small bag on the cot in the safe house. She scolds herself for letting a tear slip in front of her father. She sits and lets the adrenaline die down as she takes off all her weapons. My subconscious sneers at the memory, that a ten-year-old can expertly handle those weapons and is afraid to cry in front of her father.

The ten-year-old cleans and puts away her weapons then dares a peek at her father. He was pissed. In his own twisted way he truly loved all three of his girls and right now he's blaming himself for Paula getting captured. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, let alone himself.

"D-dad? What's going to happen to mom?" Ten-year-old Artemis asks trying to keep her voice even but obvious worry still comes out. Lawrence looks at his youngest daughter and lets one of his walls drop. He isn't sure why, maybe because of his own worry or maybe because of sheer exhaustion. He goes up to her and kneels in front of her placing a hand on her shoulder

"I don't know baby girl. But she'll be fine. Your mom's a tough lady. We just have to keep going. It's what she'd tell us to do if she was in this room right now. Got that?"

She nods and looks at Jade, who's also worried but is concealing her feelings. She lays on the cot next with young me and pulls up the blankets around the too "Let's get some rest"

All of the sudden my surroundings change. Back to one of my worst memories. Seven-year-old Artemis looking over her first kill, not really sure what happened, or the weight of what she just did. All she sees is blood.

Her dad comes up to her and takes the knife out of her hand and gives her a hug "You did good Baby girl. I'm proud of you" I feel like I'm in A Christmas Carol. Watching my past and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Just getting caught up in the memory. _He was proud of me?! I just murdered someone when I was SEVEN! Then again that's my dad for ya._

Seven-year-old me hugs her father crying into his shoulder and covering him in her first victim's blood. The first of many. The dream almost seems to pause as I get caught up in my thoughts. Going down the line of my victims. I've killed so many. Targets for money, killing them after hours of torture once I had the information I needed, even just random people that were in my way. I used to keep track of how many kills I made. I stopped counting after 180.

I wake up, sitting up and in a cold sweat. My alarm blaring and I slam my fist on it, laying back in bed as I catch my breath. I'm out of the rabbit hole, back to reality.

_**How do you guys like it so far? Please leave reviews I'll try to post the next chapter within a week.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

*_**Next Month***_

I'm in the training room at Mount Justice, hitting a punching bag. Bialya messed with my mind. I almost blew my cover, and to Wally none the less! Punches bag. Sweat drips down my forehead and I wipes it off.

Dick walks in and starts training in a different area but watches me curiously as I intensely do combos of punches and kicks. He's the only one that knows who I really am, he had access to the Batcave computer. He knows every crime I've ever committed that is on record, so less than half, but a lot more than the rest of the team knows, and a lot more than I'm comfortable with him knowing.

The bag rips and sand comes pouring out. I look down at it, unmoving and emotionless, breathing hard from the work out. Dick grabs my taped hands to get my attention and turns me so that I'm facing him

"Arty chill, no one found out anything"

"M'gann could know and just be hiding it"

Dick chuckles, "M'gann is the worst liar ever. If she knew something she wouldn't be hiding it very well. Even so...they should know. Not now but eventually."

I look at him in the eyes knowing he's right. He knows more about me than anyone outside my family. When I figured out his identity my first week at Gotham Academy we got close, fast. I told him stuff that I've done that the Batcave didn't have on me. He told me stuff too. About his family and their deaths, how he wanted revenge and even how he feels unfit to lead and be batman someday, all of his insecurities, things he said he never even told Wally, his best friend.

"I will...eventually. When I know the can accept it. They don't see the world like we do. The see it as black and white and a few greys in between. You and I know better, the world is all shades of grey. Pure black and pure white are the rarities not the greys. If they know even a few of the things I've done...they'll never look at me the same way." I walk to the bench and start to take the tape off of my hands when Dick comes and kneels in front of me and undoes them, they're covered in blood so he bandages my knuckles.

"Damn, that was deep," he says trying to lighten the mood, "but you're right, they aren't ready, but when they are you should tell them. They are your team and they deserve to know, they may look at you differently but they will learn you aren't the same person. They'll accept you again." He finishes bandaging my hands and tilts my chin up, forcing me to look him in the eye "So get traught already, because no matter what they think, I'll be here" he gives his signature smirk.

I smile at our inside joke, he had a way of making me smile when I really didn't want to. I both hated that about him and loved it. "Fine, I'll listen to your amazing advice Boy Wonder" I say with a mocking tone.

"Of course you will. That's why they call Boy Wonder," he says, his tone slightly more serious than mine. I roll my eyes at his confidence in himself.

I'm suddenly very aware that he's still holding my chin as he tilts it up again and gently kisses me. I automatically kiss him back, feeling as if it's like second nature. We weren't sure what we were but you could say that we've "been together" for a couple weeks now.

He pulls away and smiles "Probably not a good idea when we're in the training room where anyone can walk in." He, of course, was right again. No one knew that we were together and that's how we both wanted it. It was easier that way. It was too easy to figure out each other's secret identities if they found out that we were together. Only Bruce and Alfred knew, and that's only because they walked in on us making out.

I sigh, stand up and take a drink from my water bottle then splashes water onto my face. As if on cue Conner and Kaldur walk in and start training on the other side of the room and waving to us. We wave back and I turn to walk out and hit the showers as Dick goes to join the boys in training.

As the water bounces off my skin, I zone out again, going back inside the dark place in my head. The guilt of hiding things from my new family is faint but it's there. _I'm not the same person anymore. Im not sure if I ever was the person that did all of those things. It was my dad urging on a little girl to end up just like him someday. _I shake my head in defiance of my own thoughts and snap myself out of it. I refuse to ever end up like dad or even Jade. It was up to me to figure out who I was now and who I want to be. Dick and my team, and even Dinah and Ollie could help me and offer support all they wanted but this was something I would have to figure out on my own.

I turn off the hot water, dry off and change into dark blue jeans, a green tank top, and a brown leather jacket. It was a friday night so I have homework. I grumble to myself as I take out my books and start on it.

_The cold wind bites at her skin. I'm almost out of arrows. I quickly move across the street with dad close behind. Our targets are all ex-KGB, they are trained killers, but so are we. _

_We reach the warehouse and knock down the door and duck as the gunfire starts. I shoot a teargas arrow. Four arrows left now. I'll have to make them count. I run in as the tear gas disperses and shoot two arrows into two guys holding AK-47s. That's two more targets down, ten more to go. The tear gas starts to fade and dad starts killing the men affected by it. 9, 8, 7 more to go. _

_I shoot my last two arrows into two more trying to retreat. I run to collect the used arrows when I'm attacked by the last five as they jump down from the rafters. I pull out my katana and get into a fighting position and quickly analyze the situation. They're all armed with daggers and pistols. They'll try to use their brute strength so I'll have to use my speed and agility. I quickly attack, slicing one through his midsection and kicking him into another. The other three come at me with their daggers, I stab one and use the momentum of the other two to make them stab each other in the heart. I then go over to kill the last man on the ground. _

Easy money_, I think almost pitifully to myself. I look around and dad has killed the others. He nods at me and we collect the item the mercenaries stole and go to meet up with the buyer. "Good job Baby girl" he says as he pats my back. I keep my face emotionless. This wasn't fun to me. This is not something I enjoyed doing. I'm a murderer, a mercenary. I've forced myself to grow cold so that I could sleep with myself at night. _

I gasp and sit up straight in my chair. I'd fallen asleep doing homework again. As I try to come back to reality someone taps my shoulder. I grab the hand and slam the body into the ground holding their hand behind their back, prepared to break it.

"Artemis! Chill it's me, Dick!" he says in a strained voice from the floor. I let go and back away and he laughs and messages his shoulder as he stands up "You would think I'd learn not to sneak up on you anymore, especially after last time."

"Im sorry you just startled me as all. Im kinda surprised I didn't use a pencil as a weapon since I didn't have my knife on me. You're lucky" I smirk as I sit back on my bed, wiping the sweat off my brow.

"I may not have been trained since I was five but I can surprisingly hold my own in a fight, even against you Arty" Artemis rolls her eyes at his remark and he comes to sit next to her. "Nightmares again huh? Which mission was it this time?"

"Russia, last December." he nods and is silent as he simply holds my hand. He somehow always knew how to comfort me in these situations. Not judging or saying I'm a good person, because I'm not, just being there to help me get back on my feet.

"I'm a monster. All those lives I've tak-"

"Don't. Don't do that to yourself. You are a hero. You got out of that life to make a difference. You are a lot of things; smart, funny, beautiful...but you are not a monster"

I smile at him not bothering to argue, just enjoying the moment and looking into his eyes where we seem to convey hours of information into one look. He understands me and I him.

As he leans in to kiss me the door to my room open revealing Green Arrow standing in the doorway, scowling. "You two know the rules. Boys aren't allowed in the girls' rooms and vice versa. Robin get outta here" he nods out the door.

Dick stands up, adjusting his sunglasses and giving me his signature smirk as he walks out the door. Oliver watches him leave and then brings his gaze back to me.

"Artemis I know we haven't known each other long enough for me to earn the right to give you advice but be careful. Robin is a good kid but for both your sakes take it slow" with that he smiles reassuringly and walks off.

I laugh to myself. The irony of that advice coming from him. Oliver Queen, billionaire playboy, giving her dating advice on taking things slow.

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on my door, this time M'gann. It was Friday night and somehow M'gann convinced us all that we were gonna go dancing tonight at a party some kid at her new school was throwing.

"You ready?" she asks eagerly with a wide grin. Gosh, no wonder anyone had the heart to tell her if they didn't want to go. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that parties are not my thing. They're either boring or end up with me getting in a fight, but who could say no to all that hope in her smile? I grin and get up nodding to her. The minute I step out of my room, with my bag she flies, literally, down the hall to the main room. I follow after her.

When I see my chance I take it. When no one is looking I sneak out the front and head down the block, bad mainstream music blaring from the house behind me. The party completely sucked. I sit down on the sidewalk and run my hands through my long hair just for them to get tangled up. Dick comes out of nowhere and sits next to her. His dark sunglasses are still on, to conceal his identity, despite it being dark outside.

"Shouldn't you be inside?" I ask

"Not while you're out here. Id rather be out here with you than inside that lame party" I smile and stand up as an idea comes to mind

"You know, there's a zeta not far from here and Gotham could use all the help it can get"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" he smirks. I roll my eyes and pull my hair back into a ponytail, getting all the stray hairs out of my face.

"Is that a yes?"

"I'd love to" he stands and runs with me to the zeta tube. We get to the ally and quickly change into our uniforms. I kept my in my bag tonight just in case, and Dick never goes anywhere without his utility belt.

We go through the zeta and spend the night stopping small crimes; robberies, muggers, etc. By two a.m. we're sitting on the roof of a tall build, my legs swinging off the edge. He comes to sit next to me and quietly entwines his fingers into mine. We stare at this fucked up city we call home. It's a mess, no one would want to live here but it's the only home we have and we'll protect it.

Despite us both being in the hero business, me and Dick see two very different sides of Gotham. Sure I got to Gotham academy but that's on a scholarship. My neighborhood is rough and I go to bed with the sounds of police sirens and the occasional gun shots. It stopped bothering me a long time ago and it some how lulls me to sleep, letting me know I'm home

Dick on the other hand grew up in a circus, literally. When he moved to Gotham he got to live in a giant mansion and have the privileges of being the ward to the richest man in Gotham. He sees my side of town only at night when he's going through it with Batman, beating up thugs. I wonder if he sees anything in Gotham except a city that needs saving.

I give him a side glance as he's abnormally quiet, He has a stern face, like he's thinking hard about something. From the looks of his face, it's not something pleasant. Im not one to pry, especially considering my past, but I want him to open up, tell me what's bothering him. I nudge his shoulder gently

"Talk" I say quietly.

"I'm fine" he says. I roll my eyes at his terrible lie

"Well obviously" I say sarcastically "Seriously though, what's up?" he turns to me with an almost hurt expression. Nothing could prepare me for what he says next.

"Fine, you want to know what's bothering me? The fact that during the mission in Bialya you and Wally got pretty friendly." My eyes widen slightly and I gape at him. His expression shows that he immediately regrets voicing his thoughts aloud "I..I should go" he stands up.

I recover from the shock and stand up facing him. "Dick nothing happened between me and Wally. I had amnesia so I didn't know what I was doing and neither did he" with that I shoot and arrow and grapple off to the fire escape outside my bedroom window.

_Where the hell did that come from? _I think to myself as I get ready for bed. Dick knows I like him, he has no reason to be insecure. Me and Wally….no there's no me and Wally. I have no clue what happened in Bialya but it doesn't matter, it's over and done with. There's no changing it. I let out a frustrated sigh as I crawl under my sheets. It takes me hours to fall asleep, my mind can't calm down, can't stop thinking about what happened. I finally block it all out and drift off to wonderland. The cheshire cat on the poster being the last thing I see before slipping down the rabbit hole

_**Thoughts? Sorry this chapter is so long. I hope yall enjoy it. Third should be up next week. Keep up the reviews!**_


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